Was he ever happy with his life?
I believe he goes through very brief periods of what he perceives to be ‘happiness’ (e.g., financial support, new county, new house, fresh supply, etc.) But it’s a short-lived and ultimately hollow victory.
However, during the romanticism phase…. he would think to himself. “Maybe this will drive away my emptiness!” …. And during the Honeymoon phase, he devoted virtually all our awake time to earning attention which was our life blood/nourishment/be all and end all life fuel. My boyfriend had full control, and I was powerless.
Shortly thereafter was the inevitable let down…. so our relationship would end sooner rather than later. It was just a matter of time. He never loved me because he didn’t know how. Knowing this was his greatest fear, yet he took the easiest road possible to satisfy his greedy needs. For anything in the world, he must win the game, even he had to take some emotional risk. He was always in a hurry to let me commit emotionally.
At first he was amazing! I always paid full attention when he spoke, when he wrote, when he called me on the phone and I wanted to understand the underlying nature of how things worked. Though, I believe I am a sympathetic, decent, and honest person by nature and put a weight on the importance of integrity. For everything in the world, I wanted to love him, but I was not sure if it felt more like infatuation. For a weird reason, I felt both happy and exhausted in my strange relationship with him.
He was like an addict
He was like an addict and always needed his next fix without a backward glance. Boredom was life-threatening and he could fade into nothingness as were he missing out something. I was only a project he wanted to change. It did not satisfy him with what he had or what I could give him, so too often I was not good enough for him. It was always a brief pleasure for him until he needed more. Nothing – and no one – was ever good enough for him.
I also knew he was incapable of being alone. Yet he resented me because of his feeling dependent on me. Next, he believed I was the fraud, and not him! In his opinion, I was often worthless. Next, I was his entire life. Then I was unlovable! But when he needed something from me, I was the most loveable person he knew. However, on the other hand, he needed to always have a significant other in his life to have a feeling of stability. So, he allowed me to be in his life as long as he could benefit from me.
Happiness is an inside job
Happiness is an inside job, as they say, but he was a hollow shell and always wanted to shake things up. He constantly was reinventing himself for me or every new audience we met on our path. He was a shapeshifter, admiring me next, resenting me. And he was extremely jealous of me. It caused chaos! Too much drama, a horrifying trauma, and his paranoia, believing everyone was conspiring against him. He was so sure that everyone was talking about him in a disparaging way.
So how could he possibly feel good when he relied solely on external sources of esteem? Often he accused me of this and that.
- “You steal from me.” Or
- “Why do you laugh at me?” or
- “It’s you who have a bad intention with me!”
The pain was so extreme…
Then he in anger, said. “It you who are cheating.”
- “You are dishonest!”
- “You are a child in an adult’s body, not acting your age.”
Was he only wearing a mask and pretended to love me? Without his perfect and charming mask, he would for sure drive people and me away. On some abstract instinctive level, I was aware something was wrong, but I didn’t, or rather I couldn’t, see the many warning signs.
How can anyone be happy destroying people’s lives?
My life?
My family’s life?
Other’s life?
It was so deep…. it took my breath away, being on the edge of taking my life.
If that’s happiness, then I’m missing something.
