He touched my shaken torn-up body

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I believed it so much when I thought the sun was shining on me and the stars were blinking in my direction for a perfect fresh life on my path. Once I loved a man so much that I couldn’t get enough of him. Then I loved him, then not. When I met him, I felt he was my entire life, then he was not, but it took me too long time to figure him out. I wonder who he was? When I found out, I thereafter felt ‘shaken’ to the innermost of my bones after my experience with him, with the man I believed he was the love of my life. Too late, I found out he was the worst narcissist who ever had entered my life.

It’s completely understandable if a person will feel ‘shaken’ after leaving their narcissist. I realise that now and finally I was feeling free. But was I free? And why did all these feelings of repentances suddenly pop up in my mind? With years of defending myself, trying to get control of my anger, and grasping my utter contempt for him was a reality. I no longer loved him as I used to do, so instead, I felt all the shames popping up in my mind. The worst regret was the many years of misused time of my precious life.

I feel I’ve every right to feel exactly as I did, because I wasted everything on a man who was not worth it—someone who had ruined everything that used to be stable in my previous life. He was like a snake, a chameleon, shifting constantly and letting me have the sensation that he loved me when he did not. He only used me to benefit from me and of what I could give him. A secured and stable life—food on his table and giving him all the love he needed in his own miserable, narcissistic dark world of lies, scams and betrayal.

Someone should put this man away somewhere—jump into the sea and no one should ever find him again, went often through my mind, despite I often had lingering feelings of love or remorse. Maybe I was mourning the loss of the relationship when the many feelings of distress popped up, because I indeed regretted the unconditional love I’d given to this man—he probably didn’t even notice my love. Anyway, it was never me my narcissistic lover wanted. I just happened upon him as he was searching for a prey. He was the evil hunter when he slowly and gracefully stalked and lured me into his fake, lying, and shifty life. He did everything to gobble me up, as he was finding himself handsome, funny, serious and as the perfect man for me. Because I didn’t know of such types of a person exist, I took part and consumed up in his hidden and dangerous plots.

More regrets came to my mind, such as how much I did everything to make him happy. How much I tried to fulfil his wishes to have the perfect holidays in five-star hotels and every time fly in a business class at his request. And I could never satisfy him if we had not lived like kings and queens, with perfect food, while he was consuming his beer and whiskey. I regret that I ever enjoyed his scrambled eggs and trusted in his many deceits and tricks because I couldn’t see when he lied or spoke the truth.

Mostly I was in such a shame that I was ever lying in the same bed as him. That he could touch my shaken torn-up body, and that I allowed him to give me finger orgasms when I needed some intimacy—he never gave me true love and actual sex. I was in shame by knowing I only paid for the orgasms like being his private concubine, merely for him to gain more money from me. In retrospect, I repented it so much that he ever had held my fragile and trusting hands in his. Regretting that he embraced my tattered body—I bet it was fake hugs he every time gave me. Thereafter, he laughed behind my back. I was only his meal used to sustain the narc, while he was gobbling up my beauty and good heart. However, he never saw me, because he made the beauty and good heart only about him, since I never existed in his life, while he imitated all the good in me. Why did he make it to such a beautiful beginning, when the middle and ending were so painful? I offered him my soul. And I spoke with the Virgin Mary and Jesus to bless the love I had for him. When I finally looked up to God for the final blessing, I realised God could not give the blessing, but made me instead open my eyes to see that my lover was a dangerous narcissist destroying my precious life.

In distress, I knew I had allowed the narcissist to use me as an object he could play around with. For that I’m so shaken, because I didn’t trust enough in myself and didn’t follow my gut-felling’s that something was off with the man I loved so much. When I am backtracking to the money issues we had, that is something I massively regret that I ever supported him. One of my biggest regrets—I was paying for his entire lifestyle. And I was paying for his entire depths of which he had got in different banks many years before I knew of him. Then his stupid car loan and for his expensive medical machinery—of which he at the end also stole from me.

While I was regretting so many things with him, I knew I had to go ‘no contact’ to rinse myself and to take away the stench of his betrayal, his touches, and return to myself. You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue in their actions, despite I tried to tell him how much he was hurting me. He was in denial, so I had to focus on the feeling of finally being free of the torture, sadness, the suffering, and the fear he created in me. At the end of the day, I regretted everything that I’d wasted on him. Therefore, it was time for me to pay attention on my fresh life I’d in front of me, which was waiting for me to embrace and rejoice in.

Even I had been so shaken for some time, I knew it was natural. It became a reality to me that any manipulator avoids every responsibility only for his conduct by blaming me for causing it. The wounds were not my fault, and the traumatised life I had after I let go of my narcissistic lover for good made me become strong—although I knew he had already forgotten that I existed.

I finally could let the fear and the false love go. There was no greater feeling in life than letting go and finally feeling free from his narcissistic abuse. Feeling truly free and being stronger than I’ve ever been. My healing was only my responsibility and there was still a long way before I’d reached my goal.

Author: M. L. Stark

My name is M. L. Stark, and I wrote the “Burning Desire - The Psychopath and the Girl in Black Prada Shoes” series based on experiences from my personal life. BURNING DESIRE, and BURNING DESIRE FADES knowing I’ve achieved the impossible; to write books about being a victim who survived the cruelty of abuse. Ending with one of Bob Marley’s quote: “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love without the intention of loving her.” You can follow me on Facebook or Twitter.

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